[I call it 'time out' mode, though time certainly never give me that luxury. my very great loss. i know it. i resent it. i just can do nothing about it. i dont. i think i dont]
The rain finally fall. The season finally changed. It's October 31st 2019, at 22.45pm...
At thirty, at this very age.. I've had this emptiness. numbness.
no excitement about future they called 'live' no more. Life just time,
passing through. sadly. boringly. metodically.
forgotten dream. lost passion. bad habbit growing nasty..
gradually fading into darkness.
Whatever they call it this symptoms, I consciously realize that,
I'm falling.
somehow still falling,
down
down
down... down...
I know falling wasn't always a bad thing, there's so many statement out there about people hitting rock bottom, then bounce back. awesomely.
but,
I don't know.
Will I bounce back when I finally hit that rock deep deep down below?
Will I have that strength? will God grant me that mercy?
Jim Moriarty, this villain from this Sherlock tv series once said,
...Falling is just like flying, except there's a more... permanent destination. And, it's not the fall that kills you.
It is the landing.
yea, the landing. that so called 'hitting rock bottoms'.
I realize I'm falling. and this falling certainly would stop at some point,
I don't know when, but, just like the rainy days come.. this falling would either make permanent those emptiness-no passion-metodically ignorant-boring life of mine, or
there's that bounce back thing.
one thing,
I think, when I finally awake from this terrible dream,
when I finally feel the flow of time again,
I maybe awaken, finding myself all alone.
...after those terrible ignorant bad things that I did,
it's only natural that people left me. It is, if I ever awaken, as a sane normal person, not the permanently mad one.
