the broken porcelain

I grow up in this one house... people see it as a broken one.
They know me as a child, from this broken relationship. A broken kid. 
Not that I care.
Growing up, I certainly didn't have everything I want.. just like any other usual kid in the world. Growing up, I did learn what it means being un-usual, being the kind of child who-own-a-broken-houses. It never really hurt me, growing up. Well, sometimes I really did crying. Feel the loneliness around me. The cold inside me. The un-usual things that make me didn't get what any other usual kid easily have, the one they unconsciously take for granted. I did really have envy sometimes, that me against the world kind of feeling, or the blame, or the pity-me-moment. But, all of that just little me.. growing up.
I did learn. And I did growing up. And I am grateful.
This whole me, the one some people still see as a broken porcelain, I did grateful for myself. Or that particular people I called home, the one who originally own that broken houses. The one with broken relationship.
Allah put me in that broken place with reason. There's always intention. And Allah intention.. there's always something emotionally beautiful in His mysterious-grand-plan. 
It wasn't an easy experience, growing up, nor the most difficult. It just, little me, being taught. Being loved.
Now, when being the-broken-porcelain thing start to give me headache, heartache and crawl-under-my-ignorant-kind-of-skin, I can only believe in Allah.
He owns me. He owns this whole world and the hereafter. He is the Owner of everything.
This broken-porcelain-skin that most parent find it ugly, this beyond-my-control things that starting to try to drag my contentedness away.. I won't let it win over me. It surely can hurt me. It surely did frustrate me. But, in Allah I seek guidance. In Him I seek protection.  And in praying Him I find tranquilness.

THE FALL

"....... I let it fall, my heart ......" 

Gini tho rasanya. Membuka hati, memberi izin pada dirimu... merasakan kehadiran jiwa lain.
Membiarkan hati, berbuat sekehendak hati.
Rasa ini,
bukan jenis yang merambat dari pandangan mata ke ulu hati. Atau jenis yang berdetak begitu saja, hadir tanpa aba-aba. Rasanya bukan. Aku membiarkan hatiku merasa,
lalu 'kejatuhan' itu menghasilkan detak-detak di ulu hati. Rasa.

That fall, made me feel your everything. This fall, just this damn thing called 'in love', I basically let myself falling for you. Feels for you.
I didn't know yet if this is gonna be good or bad for us, to just let myself easily feels this way about you. All I know, right know... my heart beats in your name. Wait! Okay, maybe that last sentence was a little bit exaggerating. Well, my point is, I finally know what it means when some girl saying with a soft-sad-dramatic-voice, she let herself feels for somebody... other than herself. A man. Maybe a boy. A love interest. I think this is quite different than a crush-kind-of-feeling. This is not something you fall without knowing when or how. This thing, this heart-beat-in-your-name kind of feeling that I am talking about only happen after you let your heart, your soul or yourselves open to feel for a certain person.
Well, well...
this is me, falling.
For you I'm feeling. ***Now, I quite understand why it call 'falling' when somebody in love with someone else.

This fall, this one that I'm gonna do, I'll do it for you... freely... knowingly. Hoping you're the one, I've been waiting all along. I've been missing all this life.
just so you know.