**Yup! You're right. Those tittle, I stole it from one of the "Sonny and The Sunsets" song's lyrics because its hopelessly keep hummings in my head after I watch this so-so movie 🤧
I am falling... down, deep into the rabbit hole. Or at least I wish this is a rabbit hole, only a rabbit hole. Where a place called Wonderland awaiting for me deep down below. And not hell. But I know this isn't just a rabbit hole where Alice falling.
I wouldn't be that damn lucky, right?
This fall, this depressed-dark-gloomy-heavy feelings like free fall on an outer space,
is just me. Growing up. Growing old. Growing to learn the meaning of one existence in this so called life.
Right know,
one of those dark mood reign over my head. Like dark clouds that brings the breeze and the chill.
I see things but I don't see it. My mind full of thought I didn't want to think of, or feel or see or know. And there's pitch black in my heart. I talk I walk I eat I smile I laugh yet it feels like its wasn't me talking. It wasn't me who's walking.. smiling.. laughing, eating. It's just my 'body' doing chores. Myself definitely lost. Somewhere in the wilderness. Hiding. Gazing. Drowning... On those pitch dark wilderness thought. Might be cowering. Somewhere on one of those damp and cold corner of mind. Crying. Quietly wishing that a rescue would eventually come. Or not.
On those another moody day, I sometimes didn't really talk a whole day, prefer at my own company, or else my bad attitude would almost certainly "set a fire" and "burn" anybody near me. That's why I prefer my own company on those days. Especially those days.
Am I weird? Is this weird? I never really question it myself before. I never mind of it before because I embrace it as part of my traits. I'm not perfect, but nobody's perfect, except God, and I am grateful for the way I am made. Or being. I'm not always love it ---myself, my life or everything else around and about me, but I certainly am not always not like it either.
That's until recently. When the middle ages slowly approaching and kick its infamous crisis down to my peaceful consciousness.
The pressure to fit in. I'm not used to it. I enjoy life being indifferent before, yet, now both my consciousness and unconsciousness keep remind me to choose once for a lifetime offer with the sounds of a watch ticking limited countdown every single second in the background. I need to hurry, yet I can't be reckless. I still enjoy this "forever young" kind of feeling, yet deep down I know there's no such things in this world that didn't wither away. I needed more amount of time, yet time was a tricky privilege which treat every single things in this whole vast universe equally. It is a foolish wimp to think that it will treat me differently, it is a big no way! I know. Yet, still I found myself miserably longing to be granted that extra time, a "time out", before I finally forced to resolve this difficult-problematic-depressing options life has gave me. I still don't want to think about it. I'm not ready! No... Not yet. Might be never. A Peter Pan kind of wimpy-wishy-childishy-idiotic attitude, I know. Sadly enough, I know exactly what that's means too.
This is me being stuck. In time. Yet time never wait for anybody ---anything to catch up. Some people, some miserable and foolish creature, wishing ---praying a certain stage on a river of time could be personally frozen for them. One foolish wish.
Here's some quotes for you,
And if time is like a river, this ancient Greeks old man certainly is one of its kind,
