If I must die young, 

..if I MUST die a virgin.

I would die. I would embrace that fate.

Beautifully.

Sekelebat mimpi melintas dikepala. Mimpi semalam.  Seakan akhir... baru dimulai kemarin.
Seseorang bertanya padaku hari ini, "kapan saat paling berkesan dalam hidupmu sejauh ini?" dan jawaban itu meluncur begitu saja: "ketika aku pertamakali bekerja" saat setiap harapan terasa 'mungkin', saat hidup terasa mudah dan sederhana.

Waktu, berjalan menggerus masa... memperjelas dan mengaburkan harapan, mimpi... cita.
Sepertinya aku berakhir di tengah-tengah hutan kedewasaan,
Tersesat, dengan peta di tangan. Terlalu mabuk untuk berpikir, terlalu takut untuk memulai..
perjalanan. Kurasa aku tersesat,
...dengan peta di tangan.
Renyah tawa musim bunga, sesuatu yang terasa begitu tua. Usang. 

....7/8/2020....

Kutatap mata kucing di dalam pelukan, sesuatu dalam pandangan matanya terasa familiar dengan sesuatu yang tua, usang dan kurindukan. Musim bunga. Sesuatu yang tidak mengenal dosa, bersih. Apa adanya.

... there's a glimmer of light at the top of the well. Oh Lord, 

All praise be to Allah. No one but Him. Only Him. Alhamdulilah... 

Today is still Friday,

Regardless how I feel, 

time has its own pace....

What if my sadness cools off even before Sunday?

Even though I am sad today,
I can smile tomorrow. 

I can smile anytime.
It's OK.

--- Kang Kyung-ok / Narration of love at 17

TOO YOUNG TO BURN**

**Yup! You're right. Those tittle, I stole it from one of the "Sonny and The Sunsets" song's lyrics because its hopelessly keep hummings in my head after I watch this so-so movie 🤧

I am falling... down, deep into the rabbit hole. Or at least I wish this is a rabbit hole, only a rabbit hole. Where a place called Wonderland awaiting for me deep down below. And not hell. But I know this isn't just a rabbit hole where Alice falling.
I wouldn't be that damn lucky, right?
This fall, this depressed-dark-gloomy-heavy feelings like free fall on an outer space,
is just me. Growing up. Growing old. Growing to learn the meaning of one existence in this so called life.
Right know,
one of those dark mood reign over my head. Like dark clouds that brings the breeze and the chill. 

I see things but I don't see it. My mind full of thought I didn't want to think of, or feel or see or know. And there's pitch black in my heart. I talk I walk I eat I smile I laugh yet it feels like its wasn't me talking. It wasn't me who's walking.. smiling.. laughing, eating. It's just my 'body' doing chores. Myself definitely lost. Somewhere in the wilderness. Hiding. Gazing. Drowning... On those pitch dark wilderness thought. Might be cowering. Somewhere on one of those damp and cold corner of mind. Crying. Quietly wishing that a rescue would eventually come. Or not. 

On those another moody day, I sometimes didn't really talk a whole day, prefer at my own company, or else my bad attitude would almost certainly "set a fire" and "burn" anybody near me. That's why I prefer my own company on those days. Especially those days.
Am I weird? Is this weird? I never really question it myself before. I never mind of it before because I embrace it as part of my traits. I'm not perfect, but nobody's perfect, except God, and I am grateful for the way I am made. Or being. I'm not always love it ---myself, my life or everything else around and about me, but I certainly am not always not like it either. 
That's until recently. When the middle ages slowly approaching and kick its infamous crisis down to my peaceful consciousness.
The pressure to fit in. I'm not used to it. I enjoy life being indifferent before, yet, now both my consciousness and unconsciousness keep remind me to choose once for a lifetime offer with the sounds of a watch ticking limited countdown every single second in the background. I need to hurry, yet I can't be reckless. I still enjoy this "forever young" kind of feeling, yet deep down I know there's no such things in this world that didn't wither away. I needed more amount of time, yet time was a tricky privilege which treat every single things in this whole vast universe equally. It is a foolish wimp to think that it will treat me differently, it is a big no way! I know. Yet, still I found myself miserably longing to be granted that extra time, a "time out", before I finally forced to resolve this difficult-problematic-depressing options life has gave me. I still don't want to think about it. I'm not ready! No... Not yet. Might be never.  A Peter Pan kind of wimpy-wishy-childishy-idiotic attitude, I know. Sadly enough, I know exactly what that's means too. 

This is me being stuck. In time. Yet time never wait for anybody ---anything to catch up. Some people, some miserable and foolish creature, wishing ---praying a certain stage on a river of time could be personally frozen for them. One foolish wish. 

Here's  some quotes for you, 

And if time is like a river, this ancient Greeks old man certainly is one of its kind, 

Another [Complicated] Me

I'm so picky... dalam situasi normal, aku cenderung sangat teliti memilih sesuatu yg akan kumiliki---atau kemungkinan menjadi milikku,
..karena sesuatu yg kumiliki, means forever... dalam situasi normal tentu saja. Ketika semua keputusan untuk menyimpan, melepaskan, atau membuang sepenuhnya ada di tanganku, aku tak akan membuang apapun---nyaris apapun, yg pernah punya makna dalam perjalananku menempuh sang hidup.

Seperti lagu berjudul "Hotel California" itu, sesuatu mungkin bisa dengan mudah [atau sangat sulit] melangkah memasuki kehidupanku,
tapi berhati-hatilah untuk tidak terjebak, dan membiarkanku memegang semua kendali. Karena jika sampai itu terjadi, aku mungkin tak akan melepaskan apapun.
Jika semua pilihan ada di tanganku, jika kuasa sepenuhnya di pihakku, bersiaplah untuk melihatku seumur hidupmu. 

Namun, ketika pilihan "pergi" masih kau simpan sendiri, ketika kemudian kau memakai pilihan itu dan memutuskan untuk meninggalkan dunia kecilku, kau akan menyadari bahwa takkan ada sepatah ratapan pun keluar dari mulutku. You're free to go. Believe me, I will let you go with my head's up.

Aku mungkin akan menatap punggungmu, melangkah menjauh dari hidupku, tanpa air mata. Tidak akan ada air mata. Tidak saat kau masih bisa melihatnya, tidak. 

Aku mungkin membiarkanmu pergi. Begitu saja. Tapi kau mungkin takkan menyadari yang tersimpan di belakang mataku. Bahwa kepergianmu bukanlah "akhir". Kau mungkin memang sudah pergi, tapi kenanganmu---hal yg jelas berada di area "kepemilikan"-ku, adalah milikku untuk kuletakkan dimanapun. 

"incapable of throwing something out", entah itu kebiasaan yg bermanfaat atau merugikan. Aku bisa memaafkan. Aku dengan mudah bisa melupakan. Tapi butuh kuasa lain bagiku untuk "mengenyahkan" kebanyakan hal dalam hidupku.

Lihatlah barang-barang  di rumah masa kecilku. Barang-barang dari zaman antah berantah. Barang-barang lama yang segala keputusan untuk "tinggal/pergi"-nya sepenuhnya ada di tanganku, dan tangan sang waktu.  Sebagian besar  dari mereka, berdesakan di sudut2 tak terjamah. Tak pernah benar2 kubuang atau sepenuh hati kusimpan. Beberapa lainnya, tersimpan aman rapi di "kotak2 penyimpanan". Lainnya, tak pernah benar2 berhenti "bekerja" sampai ia tak bisa "dipekerjakan" lagi, bahkan setelah itupun---terutama setelah semua itu, aku takkan pernah sanggup membuangnya. 

You might call me klepto. Obsessive-compulsive-control-freaks. Or whatever. Doesn't matter. 

Thruth is, I'm just once upon a time this girl, this sweet little girl who want to cherish every-single-thing-in-this-world that worth to be cherished, not knowing that "this world" is so very very big and partly cruel.

Now, growing up, as almost every sweet little child lost its sweetness somewhere in between,  I guessed I'm not an exception. Now, I'm just this girl, an ordinary woman... who still can't give up a little girl bad habit and obsession of collect or own or cherish something she's infatuate with. And she's not that innocent no more. Of course she doesn't. 

  

**I'm not that nice, just so you know. If our fate ever intertwined, you should know.. and be prepared that I, would never ever let go of your hand except you're doing it first.