... there's a glimmer of light at the top of the well. Oh Lord, 

All praise be to Allah. No one but Him. Only Him. Alhamdulilah... 

Today is still Friday,

Regardless how I feel, 

time has its own pace....

What if my sadness cools off even before Sunday?

Even though I am sad today,
I can smile tomorrow. 

I can smile anytime.
It's OK.

--- Kang Kyung-ok / Narration of love at 17

TOO YOUNG TO BURN**

**Yup! You're right. Those tittle, I stole it from one of the "Sonny and The Sunsets" song's lyrics because its hopelessly keep hummings in my head after I watch this so-so movie 🤧

I am falling... down, deep into the rabbit hole. Or at least I wish this is a rabbit hole, only a rabbit hole. Where a place called Wonderland awaiting for me deep down below. And not hell. But I know this isn't just a rabbit hole where Alice falling.
I wouldn't be that damn lucky, right?
This fall, this depressed-dark-gloomy-heavy feelings like free fall on an outer space,
is just me. Growing up. Growing old. Growing to learn the meaning of one existence in this so called life.
Right know,
one of those dark mood reign over my head. Like dark clouds that brings the breeze and the chill. 

I see things but I don't see it. My mind full of thought I didn't want to think of, or feel or see or know. And there's pitch black in my heart. I talk I walk I eat I smile I laugh yet it feels like its wasn't me talking. It wasn't me who's walking.. smiling.. laughing, eating. It's just my 'body' doing chores. Myself definitely lost. Somewhere in the wilderness. Hiding. Gazing. Drowning... On those pitch dark wilderness thought. Might be cowering. Somewhere on one of those damp and cold corner of mind. Crying. Quietly wishing that a rescue would eventually come. Or not. 

On those another moody day, I sometimes didn't really talk a whole day, prefer at my own company, or else my bad attitude would almost certainly "set a fire" and "burn" anybody near me. That's why I prefer my own company on those days. Especially those days.
Am I weird? Is this weird? I never really question it myself before. I never mind of it before because I embrace it as part of my traits. I'm not perfect, but nobody's perfect, except God, and I am grateful for the way I am made. Or being. I'm not always love it ---myself, my life or everything else around and about me, but I certainly am not always not like it either. 
That's until recently. When the middle ages slowly approaching and kick its infamous crisis down to my peaceful consciousness.
The pressure to fit in. I'm not used to it. I enjoy life being indifferent before, yet, now both my consciousness and unconsciousness keep remind me to choose once for a lifetime offer with the sounds of a watch ticking limited countdown every single second in the background. I need to hurry, yet I can't be reckless. I still enjoy this "forever young" kind of feeling, yet deep down I know there's no such things in this world that didn't wither away. I needed more amount of time, yet time was a tricky privilege which treat every single things in this whole vast universe equally. It is a foolish wimp to think that it will treat me differently, it is a big no way! I know. Yet, still I found myself miserably longing to be granted that extra time, a "time out", before I finally forced to resolve this difficult-problematic-depressing options life has gave me. I still don't want to think about it. I'm not ready! No... Not yet. Might be never.  A Peter Pan kind of wimpy-wishy-childishy-idiotic attitude, I know. Sadly enough, I know exactly what that's means too. 

This is me being stuck. In time. Yet time never wait for anybody ---anything to catch up. Some people, some miserable and foolish creature, wishing ---praying a certain stage on a river of time could be personally frozen for them. One foolish wish. 

Here's  some quotes for you, 

And if time is like a river, this ancient Greeks old man certainly is one of its kind, 

Another [Complicated] Me

I'm so picky... dalam situasi normal, aku cenderung sangat teliti memilih sesuatu yg akan kumiliki---atau kemungkinan menjadi milikku,
..karena sesuatu yg kumiliki, means forever... dalam situasi normal tentu saja. Ketika semua keputusan untuk menyimpan, melepaskan, atau membuang sepenuhnya ada di tanganku, aku tak akan membuang apapun---nyaris apapun, yg pernah punya makna dalam perjalananku menempuh sang hidup.

Seperti lagu berjudul "Hotel California" itu, sesuatu mungkin bisa dengan mudah [atau sangat sulit] melangkah memasuki kehidupanku,
tapi berhati-hatilah untuk tidak terjebak, dan membiarkanku memegang semua kendali. Karena jika sampai itu terjadi, aku mungkin tak akan melepaskan apapun.
Jika semua pilihan ada di tanganku, jika kuasa sepenuhnya di pihakku, bersiaplah untuk melihatku seumur hidupmu. 

Namun, ketika pilihan "pergi" masih kau simpan sendiri, ketika kemudian kau memakai pilihan itu dan memutuskan untuk meninggalkan dunia kecilku, kau akan menyadari bahwa takkan ada sepatah ratapan pun keluar dari mulutku. You're free to go. Believe me, I will let you go with my head's up.

Aku mungkin akan menatap punggungmu, melangkah menjauh dari hidupku, tanpa air mata. Tidak akan ada air mata. Tidak saat kau masih bisa melihatnya, tidak. 

Aku mungkin membiarkanmu pergi. Begitu saja. Tapi kau mungkin takkan menyadari yang tersimpan di belakang mataku. Bahwa kepergianmu bukanlah "akhir". Kau mungkin memang sudah pergi, tapi kenanganmu---hal yg jelas berada di area "kepemilikan"-ku, adalah milikku untuk kuletakkan dimanapun. 

"incapable of throwing something out", entah itu kebiasaan yg bermanfaat atau merugikan. Aku bisa memaafkan. Aku dengan mudah bisa melupakan. Tapi butuh kuasa lain bagiku untuk "mengenyahkan" kebanyakan hal dalam hidupku.

Lihatlah barang-barang  di rumah masa kecilku. Barang-barang dari zaman antah berantah. Barang-barang lama yang segala keputusan untuk "tinggal/pergi"-nya sepenuhnya ada di tanganku, dan tangan sang waktu.  Sebagian besar  dari mereka, berdesakan di sudut2 tak terjamah. Tak pernah benar2 kubuang atau sepenuh hati kusimpan. Beberapa lainnya, tersimpan aman rapi di "kotak2 penyimpanan". Lainnya, tak pernah benar2 berhenti "bekerja" sampai ia tak bisa "dipekerjakan" lagi, bahkan setelah itupun---terutama setelah semua itu, aku takkan pernah sanggup membuangnya. 

You might call me klepto. Obsessive-compulsive-control-freaks. Or whatever. Doesn't matter. 

Thruth is, I'm just once upon a time this girl, this sweet little girl who want to cherish every-single-thing-in-this-world that worth to be cherished, not knowing that "this world" is so very very big and partly cruel.

Now, growing up, as almost every sweet little child lost its sweetness somewhere in between,  I guessed I'm not an exception. Now, I'm just this girl, an ordinary woman... who still can't give up a little girl bad habit and obsession of collect or own or cherish something she's infatuate with. And she's not that innocent no more. Of course she doesn't. 

  

**I'm not that nice, just so you know. If our fate ever intertwined, you should know.. and be prepared that I, would never ever let go of your hand except you're doing it first. 



this genre of movies : dark comedy

Am I that shallow before? I don't know. I despise shallow people the most, I don't wanna be one of them, yet, there might be a chance that I already live that kind of life before. Though I hope I did not.

At thirty, the show I am living, gradually changing into a dark comedy. 
Depressing, yet,
I'm still capable of laughing. Strangely find myself smirking. I feel everything, deeply. Heavily. I never thought thoughtfulness gonna be this heavy. Like a dark clouds following you everywhere. Reminds you that in life, "it is" never always be "what it is". 
Oh, and in this dark comedy stage, theres this one ingredient that always be there wherever you go, whatever you do, whichever emotion you put on your face.. that salt-kind-ingredient of life: sadness.
On such a happy-setting-stage, sadness still presence in the far far away corner. Hiding in the darkness. I might not spot it right away, consciously at some occasion, but I would always find it whenever I let myself uncosciously search for it. Thankfully, theres one thing nice about sadness,
it gave extra meaning in whatever I see through it.

Now, I'm not that innocence anymore.
Well yeah, I'm thirty for the record, it's normal at that stage of life. Though I did miss my old self sometimes ----that happier me, but... life must go on! yeah? 
Whatever life put you through, whichever sight life force you to see... what kind of ruin you ended up to be, that's on your hand. They are the result of your own choices.
So, yeah! Life must go on. Because I refused to be that irresponsible.
My life might been a mess collide with bad habbit, bad attitude... and a heavily resentment. It might not the life that I always wanted, but life must go on.
With that in mind, I know I might life in this denial state forever... but, that's the best choices I could pick, right now. For now. So, it's ok. It's ok. Or so I say.

living on autopilot phase

[I call it 'time out' mode, though time certainly never give me that luxury. my very great loss. i know it. i resent it. i just can do nothing about it. i dont. i think i dont]

The rain finally fall. The season finally changed. It's October 31st 2019, at 22.45pm...

At thirty, at this very age.. I've had this emptiness. numbness.
no excitement about future they called 'live' no more. Life just time, 
passing through. sadly. boringly. metodically.
forgotten dream. lost passion. bad habbit growing nasty..
gradually fading into darkness.
Whatever they call it this symptoms, I consciously realize that,
I'm falling.
somehow still falling,
down
down
down... down...
I know falling wasn't always a bad thing, there's so many statement out there about people hitting rock bottom, then bounce back. awesomely.
but,
I don't know. 
Will I bounce back when I finally hit that rock deep deep down below?
Will I have that strength? will God grant me that mercy?
Jim Moriarty, this villain from this Sherlock tv series once said,

...Falling is just like flying, except there's a more... permanent destination. And, it's not the fall that kills you.
It is the landing.

yea, the landing. that so called 'hitting rock bottoms'.
I realize I'm falling. and this falling certainly would stop at some point,
I don't know when, but, just like the rainy days come.. this falling would either make permanent those emptiness-no passion-metodically ignorant-boring life of mine, or
there's that bounce back thing.

one thing,
I think, when I finally awake from this  terrible dream,
when I finally feel the flow of time again,
I maybe awaken, finding myself all alone.
...after those terrible ignorant bad things that I did, 
it's only natural that people left me. It is, if I ever awaken, as a sane normal person, not the permanently mad one. 

this TVseries, I can't get over with

The Spanish Princess
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt8417308/

My newest most favourite TV Series besides Sherlock https://m.imdb.com/title/tt1475582/ and Gossip Girl
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0397442/

Well, akhirnya!
Sebuah kisah dari sudut pandang Catherine! Woaaah!
Everybody----almost every adaptation drama or documentaries I've watched around the Tudors court, seems to adore that other Boleyn girl more than this Spanish princess... They tend to underrated  Catherine as an ignored boring-old-rigid first wife of Henry VIII.

Anne Boleyn was the mother of famous Queen Elizabeth, and she's beheaded because of the king's jealousy which means she's very favoured once, and that she 'played' her tricks so well at Henry's court..
But, I think I'd never root for her, or her ambition, or her coyness. No. It will always Catherine for me,
True, Catherine was someway no different than that other Boleyn girl. She has a goal, and she know how to reach it. And she played well with 'tricks' too, but, there's this senses of dignity in her where on that Boleyn's girl I could strangely feel this whor*ish smell.